ASIAPHILES

Asiaphiles

A brief profile of men afflicted with yellow fever

ORIGINS: Asiaphiles are typically found residing in major U.S. cities,
although increasing numbers have been venturing overseas in their quest to
get an oree-enul woman.

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Intelligent, non-racist and socially-functional men
who are free of fetishes and racial bias.

CHARACTER TRAITS:

- Poorly developed masculine identities, pathetically uncomfortable with
themselves, inept at romance with women of their own race.

- Resentment of white females' assertive, strong-willed personality traits
(whether real or perceived).

- Ignorant and narrow-minded, eager to adopt fallacious western media
stereotypes of Asian women.

- Desperate need to assume a dominant, father-like role in their
relationships with women (ergo the similarity to pedophiles).

- Exaggerated perception and objectification of Asian females (and sometimes
little boys).

- Uncanny ability to determine one's breast size and country of origin within
three seconds of sighting a potential AF target.

- A compulsion to trash women, particularly western women, in order to
justify their inadequacies and bolster their self image.

- Insatiable appetite for Asian cultural trivia, which is used to
camouflage/legitimize their underlying fetish (a superficial knowledge of Asian
art impresses the shit outta the babes).

- Extreme paranoia and defensiveness regarding their relationships with AF's
(What the hell are you looking at, you racist AM asshole?..)

- Unable to accept non-whites or women as equals. Insistent racist
stereotypers. Chauvinistic.

- Subconsciously attracted to tiny women because they make him feel powerful,
and are less threatening to his fragile ego.

- Disdains ethnic studies; regards it as a waste of taxpayer's money and an
ultimate threat to white male privilege and cultural hegemony.

- Thinks that the poverty, prostitution and white cultural imperialism in
certain Asian countries is a good deal while it lasts. Favorite holiday
destination: Bangkok

- Enjoys playing divide and conquer mind games with naive,
culturally-insecure AF's (don't worry, Yoko, I won't let those
chauvinistic, abusive Japanese men hurt you anymore...)

- Considers minimum age of marriage and minimum age of consent laws to be
government intrusions of privacy.

- On visits to Asia as a (sex) tourist, expects every native AM to kowtow to
him, massage his feet and play butler, while the native AF's line up to show him
the proper lotus position technique. He then considers himself
worldly and an indisputable expert on asian people and culture.

- Considers the terms chink, chinaman, jap, gook and slope to be
terms of endearment and certainly no reason to get offended.

- Believes that racism does not exist because he, as a WM, has never
experienced it first hand.

- Gets a warm fuzzy feeling when watching those action flicks in which the
white male hero invariably beats the shit out of ten AM ninjas and rescues the
AF nympho from her evil, warlike AM oppressors.

- Believes that the only reason an Asian person would dislike him or
disapprove of his exploitive, pathological relationships with Asian women is
because they are racist.

- Associates with AM's only when he is interested in meeting their sisters.

- Threatened and insecure in the presence of any culturally-perceptive Asian
person or any AM not fitting his stereotype of the quiet, marginalized,
model minority geek.

- Denial of all of the above.

TYPICAL ATTIRE: Anything trendy and mainstream-looking which conceals their
obesity. Rolled-up sock placed strategically in crotch for added flair.
Hairpiece by Earl's Rugs 'R Us. Note: attire may vary depending on the specific
type of AF being targeted.

I.Q.: n/a (too low to measure)

NATURAL HABITAT: Personal ad columns (SWM interested in 'Asian culture'
seeks exotic SAF goddess), college campuses, Asian language classes (a
great pickup spot), Asian strip clubs, massage parlors and similar
establishments, B-grade Kung-Fu flicks, trendy nightclubs (usually found necking
with prepubescent AF FOB's), seated on living room sofa drooling over latest
Asian porn flick with remote control and tissues in hand, Asian internet forums
(don't ask me why), anywhere else frequented by AF's. Often found still living
with mom despite being past 40.

TYPICAL ASIAPHILE QUIPS:

I've always only dated Oree-enul chicks. I don't know why, I just
have.

Race doesn't matter. I just happen to dig chicks with silky black hair
and smooth, porcelain-like skin. Anyone who doesn't like it is a racist.

Ahh, those Oree-enul wimmin... are they perfect or what? No more
corrupted American wimmin for me, no sirree... Gimme a fine oree-enul woman
anytime.

Ooh, Mei Ling, you're soooo sweet and demure, unlike them rude, uppity
American women. Intelligent too. How's about we go back to my place and talk
temples?

Keiko, if you want to practice your English, maybe I can be your
tutor?...

(mouth frothing): Masako, you remind me of my favorite 'movie star'...
would you please put on your cute little sailor suit, huh, would ya, pleeeze??

Hey Marty, you got the number of that place in Tokyo that sells the
used panties?

Would you like some candy, little girl?...

I just returned from the sex capital of the world, good old
Thailand and had an incredible trip - as usual. If you're a single male who's
had his share of the stuck up women of the West, then come to Southeast Asia
where the women will treat you with the attention and appreciation you
deserve...

PERSONAL GOAL (unfortunately unattainable): To end up with an intelligent,
quality Asian woman who actually has some self esteem.

CLOSELY RELATED TO: Pedophiles, a fish out of water, rice queens (gay
asiaphiles).

MEDIA REPRESENTATION: Woody Allen, Maury Povich, James Michener, Oliver
Stone, Nicholas D. Kristof (NY Times reporter).

COUNTERPARTS: Whiggies...who else?

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