The ScenarioSomewhere in Hong Kong -- In the basement of a supposedly abandoned Into the dirt-floored ring steps Bruce Lee, stripped to the waist, and The din grows louder still with the arrival of his opponent. Jackie The referee steps into the middle of the ring, chops his hand down So Shane, which fu fighter's flying feet and furious fists flatten his |
 | Bruce Lee vs. Jackie Chan |  |
Shane: This match is over before it begins. Literally. In Enter
the Dragon, during one of Bruce Lee's self-guided tours of Han's
island fortress, the alarm is sounded and an ungodly number of henchmen
converge on him. One of them gets Lee in a bear hug, but Lee breaks his
grip, then his neck. The hugger in question is Jackie Chan.
Bruce Lee wins, because he's already killed his opponent. That's it.
Really. I'm done. Don't waste your time responding. I'm going to go
read a book.
Paul: Well, I hope you pick up something by James Michener. That
should give me enough time (barely) to belittle your argument. Plus the
book can double as a primitive anesthesia device in case you wish to put
yourself out of your misery.
Since you wish to point out past history, let's get a more complete
view. In Fist of Fury, Bruce Lee kicked Jackie Chan off a twenty
foot ledge onto an unforgiving cement floor. Yet Jackie Chan survived.
Then in Enter the Dragon, he not only suffered the indignity you so
much relish, but also was conked on the head with an errant nunchucka
swing from Mr. Lee. Yet Jackie Chan survived. Then in their third
encounter... well, there wasn't any third encounter. And there is a good
reason for that - Bruce Lee was DEAD before there was a third encounter.
Jackie Chan went on to become the next big Asian action movie star.
Coincidence? I don't think so.
But let us assume for the sake of the match that Bruce Lee isn't still
taking a dirt nap and is still in his prime. So what has Bruce been doing
for the past twenty five years? Most likely, he has been busy destroying
every last copy of the dreadful movie Rapid Fire starring his son
Brandon while simultaneously trying to stop his daughter Shannon from
embarrassing herself as the announcer for cheesy fake Saturday morning
martial arts shows. In that time, Jackie Chan has been making movies in
which he kicks the ass of a disproportionate number of Australians. Yes,
he has been engaging in combat with the craziest white people in the
entire world - a race that has produced wackos like Crocodile Dundee,
Outback Jack (to be that lousy of a wrestler take guts), half the cast of
Sci-Fi Channel hit Farscape and the utterly insane Steve Irwin AKA The
Crocodile Hunter. Yes, Australia produced a man who wrestles gators
with his bare hands and plays with the tails of deadly snakes and Jackie
uses them for warm-ups. I'm sorry, but no man named Bruce has
a hope in hell.
But what did you expect from a man who doesn't do his own stunts? Sure,
Bruce performed choreographed fight scenes against stuntmen. But when it
was time to do the dangerous stuff, Bruce Lee used a stunt double.
Meanwhile, Jackie is arguably the greatest stuntman alive. Expect to see
Jackie Chan propelled through the roof by a Bruce Lee kick only to perform
a death defying gymnastics display on live power lines, then narrowly
catch hold of an out of control helicopter and finally crash land into the
arena without getting a scratch. Afterwards, Jackie hams it up for the
camera. Bruce Lee is just hamburger.
What did you expect from someone who's biggest starring role was to
play a sidekick named Kato?
Shane: Nice try, but that limp O.J. reference plays right into
my hands. Bruce plays a supporting character on an unsuccessful TV series,
and decades later, valley dudes are nicknaming themselves after him. That
is the mark of an Icon™, of the same caliber as John Wayne and Humphrey
Bogart. His early death merely reinforces this, as he is Gone Before His
Time, like James Dean and recent Grudge victor John Belushi. He is the
stuff of legend, and it’s pretty darn tough to beat a legend.
Jackie Chan’s record against Australians doesn’t put him in that
league. We saw their prowess in Enter the Dragon, where a loutish
(i.e., average) Aussie named Parsons got stranded in a dinghy by Bruce
without his lifting a finger. (Another character says he’s from New
Zealand, but you don’t get that accent and arrogance in Christchurch.
He’s obviously hiding his true heritage.) His next trick was to get
waxed like a Ferrari in the tournament by the Token Black Guy, which is to
self-respect what salt is to slugs. This from the country that got overrun
by a bunch of rabbits! Jackie Chan’s on a par with large fuzzy
rodents. I am not impressed.
Neither am I impressed by his stunts, because that’s all they are.
This match isn’t pre-choreographed and rehearsed, and there will be no
convenient props. His dependence on them puts him in the same pitiable
category as Carrot Top and Gallagher. If Jackie thinks Bruce is going to
cooperate with his “Hold this watermelon on your head while I fetch the
Sledge-o-matic” trick, he is in for serious disappointment/disassembly.
Maybe Jackie’s a match for Sammo Hung--but Bruce already dispatched him
effortlessly in the first scene of Enter, something it took CBS
Programming two years to manage. This being a pure match of body and will,
Jackie’s body will be broken by the greatness that is Bruce Lee.
Paul: Are you saying that Carrot Top is not dangerous? There is
no man is more deadly to a Hollywood career. Carrot Top himself could
easily turn Bruce Lee into a whimpering mess.
But even Carrot Top is no match for Jackie Chan. Jackie jumps off
buildings onto airborne helicopters. Jackie water skis with a broken ankle
in a cast. He once fell off a 30 foot ledge and fell on his head and
survived. Most impressive, this was a man that made a movie with sonic
boom voice Chris Tucker and LIVED with his SANITY INTACT. There is
absolutely nothing that Bruce Lee can do to him that he hasn't seen worse.
But I am glad you brought up Sammo. According to Jackie Chan's bio,
Sammo Hung once went one-on-one for real against Bruce Lee in a test of
martial arts. It was a draw. Since Sammo happens to be Jackie Chan's BEST
FRIEND, his experience gives Jackie the vital edge. Throw in the support
of his brothers Lo Hung and Well Hung and it simply isn't a contest.
With death you get egg roll.
Thanks to the many, many people that suggested this
match.
Related links for further research
My Tribute to Jackie Chan Sing Lung: Already a Dragon at jackiechan.com.
A very well done website with lots of Jackie info, including the latest
news about Shanghai Noon, his top 10 fight scenes, his top 10
stunts, biography, multimedia downloads, and even a list of his most
major injuries!
The Results
Jackie Chan (1021 - 51.0%)
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Bruce Lee (980 - 49.0%)
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